(April 13, 2010)

Amazing how a little creativity – a new project – colour – excitement – can kick start a more positive mood!

In the midst of my verge of depression, I had an idea last week. No, it didn’t come from me exactly. It was truly planted there by God. If you don’t believe in God and are wondering about me, not believing such a clear leading from God can happen. It can and it does. During my quiet time with God one day last week, the mission some of our church members are going on sprang to mind.  And through a bunch of well-led wanderings of the mind, I realized I wanted to send along some bookmarks I had made. But I didn’t have enough. And besides, they were in English. The people in that country would not understand them. I decided to make some up in the Spanish language.

How the thought of such a project excited me!! It totally kick started a livening of the mind, return to a positive, even high, mood. I worked happily on this for several days, ending up with 340 bookmarks of eleven different designs. My obsession with Living Room was replaced with an obsession for bookmarks. I imagined what the people in this country might need. They don’t have ready access to Christian literature. How could I fill their needs? How could I encourage them? As I worked, I felt like a missionary. And I felt alive.

But when the project was finished I once more returned to slumber mode. No motivation to do the many things that had been piling up around me. Good thing my husband is now paying the bills. I’m so grateful for that. But there are other things – stacks of paper – that need to be looked after. And I felt powerless to work on it. The laundry I did three days ago was still in the drier. I had no energy to take it out and put it away.

This morning I sent an email to my closest friends, crying out about my inability to find a firm place to stand. My instability. Up sometimes, down other times. It’s like Satan is playing cat and mouse with me.

The Psalms are wonderful to read at times like this. David seems to know all about this. I found comfort this morning in Psalm 143. “…may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.” (vs.10)

Fortunately I had signed up for a watercolour course a few weeks ago and my first class was this morning. Colour. Creativity. Making things happen with my hands (painting a tulip still life) instead of having things happen to me. I didn’t do very well. After all, it was only the first art class I’d ever taken. But that didn’t matter. I had fun playing. And I came home looking at everything in my world a little differently. I looked around me, wondering what I could paint next.

My mind and mood has had another kick start. Another opportunity to escape possible descent into a black hole.

Will I be able to keep this up? Will I be able to keep pushing back the dark?