(November 25, 2009)

My moods continue to go up and down. And when I feel OK, it’s as though I’m walking a tightrope, trying to maintain my balance so I don’t fall one way or another.

Amazing how many symptoms there are to watch out for. And each time one of those symptoms shows itself, I have to put a different coping mechanism into place, read a different psalm, pray a different prayer.

There are the lonely feelings, the poor eating, overwhelmed feelings where I can’t see how I can possibly manage doing the many things I need to do, unable to organize a list. Little things seem like big things. I’ve even had moments thinking I couldn’t go on. Thank God those moments have been brief ones.

Not having my husband home makes all this more difficult. I’m not into a good routine, eat at odd times or don’t eat at all. Eat weird stuff, not the kind of meals I’d have if he were home.

Being alone for such long periods makes it easy to sit for long uninterrupted periods in thought, unaware that I’m doing it. This thinking has often signaled problems for me. When it happens I need to remember Rudyard Kipling’s line in his poem If. “If you can think but don’t make thoughts your aim.” When that line comes to mind I make the effort to “do” something. So important to stay active. The more I sit in thought, the more likely I’m going to get drawn into depression. I wouldn’t call myself depressed right now, but I am doing battle with it in many ways. The Psalms are a good companion right now. Psalm 18, 91, and 40 have been very meaningful to me in the past while.

I’m preparing for Living Room on Friday. Also preparing for the Into the Light: Transforming Mental Health in Canada conference coming up this Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Living Room will have a poster presentation to make there. I’ll have an opportunity to interact with conference attendees and tell them about it.

I will have to walk my tightrope well. Do all the right things. Stay well.