As in the post I wrote in 2009, I wonder: Am I like the person I used to be? I do think I’m starting to get there and what a wondrous thing that is. Is this for real and will it continue?

In November 12th last year, I lay in an emergency room bed, waiting for admission. I don’t know if I’d ever wanted to die so badly. But as I spent the night, thinking and praying, God showed me that I needed to write my story before I die. My story shouldn’t be lost. There were lessons in it.

My life was a rich one, especially during the time I was founding and leading Living Room. There were many exciting achievements and happenings. But at the end of a successful and innovative ministry that spanned nine years I was met with a tragic ending that left me a different person than I used to be.

I believe I’m recovering. I just hope this is not like bipolar moods – never ending, always returning. I hope and pray that recovery from this emotional issue will be more lasting and that my life can be more normal than it has been over past years.

What is making me feel more normal today?

  • I used to rely on my husband for rides. Now I’m using HandyDart. I’m more independent.
  • I was isolating a lot. Today I’m developing more social outlets,
  • I used to spend my days in a fog. Today my mind is clearer. More awake,
  • The biggest improvement: Depressions used to come every two or three days, along with bad memories. Now there are few.

I’ve been writing my story using an old blog, as well as adding current writings. Reading about the past brought joy. Responding with comments and descriptions of pain that occurred later, helped me deal with memories. Today I don’t feel pain and anger nearly as much.

More and more I’m developing insights that help me accept what happened. Although cruel stigma was strongly displayed, I’m starting to wonder if the person who hurt me simply did not understand what was happening. Maybe neither of us could help the way we behaved.

I believe that God has been, and will continue to be, in this writing. I certainly feel his leading. And I thank him for helping me heal in this way.

You do work wonders, Lord!