(July 9, 2009)

Yesterday morning I was reminded of the fact that I will never be a completely stable person. I thought God had answered my prayers and the prayers of my friends, bringing me to a return of joy and – I thought – stability. However, I’ve discovered that the great joy I was feeling was actually a bit higher than I should be. I started organizing all kinds of social functions – four within five days. Looking at my calendar, I realized I was going overboard – not very stable at all.

I called my psychiatrist and he has adjusted my medication: less Prozac and more Loxapine – quite a bit more Loxapine. The need for this saddened me. I felt frustrated, realizing that – once more – my feelings, those very good feelings, were not a normal thing. Frustrated that the wonderful joyful feeling wasn’t anything to be too happy about.

Yet today, sitting on my patio in the early morning, God helped me see that none of us are really stable. What I should have prayed for was a stable “place” – “a firm place” – to be. I should have asked for God’s strength to be with me – God, the bedrock underneath my feet.

And I do have that strength today. I feel motivated. Today those giddy feelings of my heart dancing within me are somewhat subdued. So thankful for that, even though it had felt good. Yet it’s kind of hard to accomplish things when you’re so drunk with joy as well.

One thing that this dramatic mood change has given me is a deeper appreciation for God’s power. If I were always stable and comfortable wouldn’t I end up taking God for granted? I now realize the only person who is truly stable is God Himself. He’s the only constant one. If I trust Him, He will give me what I need to do the work He has for me to do.