(December 27, 2008)

I’m having good times when I function normally, alternating with times when I’m deep, clinging to negative thoughts. At times I lose hope. After all, this depression has been going on for three months now.

A series of stressful situations started this, Christmas – as usual – being one of them. But you would think it would let up after all the sources of stress have been resolved. It hasn’t happened so far, but I am praying that it will happen soon. Thing is, I have to live my life and think positively, trying not to dwell on the negative.

In past years I’ve always tried to learn from my moods – things I could pass on to others. By encouraging others, I found I was encouraging myself. I remember sitting on my bed in the psych ward years ago working on Riding the Roller Coaster. I found satisfaction drawing from what I was going through, finding the good in the bad, and sharing it with the many who I knew would be able to relate. Inspirational writing helped me cope with my own difficulties. That’s one reason I’ve done as well as I have.

Today I don’t have a book to work on, but I have this blog. I will try to write more often. I will try to use my writing to find the good in the bad and to share that good with you.

When I talk to my friend, expressing my feeling of shame over the way I’ve felt and behaved lately, she keeps telling me I need to move on. And I guess she’s right. I certainly can’t stay stuck here. There are things I’ve built my life on that require me to be strong. And I want to do those things. I want to help others who struggle with mood disorders. I want to help new Living Room groups form. I want to find the joy again – the holy joy I always feel after my Living Room meetings. I don’t want to be a victim; I want to give.

I need to make Philippians 3:12b mine over the next while: “…I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.” And in verse 13: “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.”

I need to think of tomorrow. What can I do tomorrow to bring forward the purpose God gave me to live for – to help erase stigma – to help people with mood disorders?

What good can I find in what I am going through to share with you, my blogging pals? I want you to be blessed by what I have to say and it is my prayer that I will – with the help of God – do so.

I will write more – maybe even today – as I work towards this. I will find the good in the bad. I know God will help me do so. He always has and He will again.