(December 16, 2006)

I must do something to rid me of mulling around so much within my mind. I got up at my usual time, 6:30, and did nothing but ruminate until 10. I know what I need to do right now is to get moving or I’ll get sucked down into a depression. This writing to you is one step towards actually doing something.

I quoted Corrie ten Boom a few posts ago: “If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed. If you look within, you’ll be depressed. But if you look at Christ, you’ll be at rest!” But even looking at Christ can make you depressed if you do nothing about it. Yesterday I was so proud of myself – proud of how I was looking at Christ, even though I felt so close to tears. I started feeling ugly about that pride. Woke up in the middle of the night and had to tell God I felt ashamed – that it’s only He who can help me through this – only He who can help my heart be where it needs to be.

And no matter where we look, or where our thoughts go – whether to the world, within ourselves, or to Christ – what good is any of it if we don’t live actively? Rudyard Kipling, in his poem If said “If you can think but not make thoughts your aim.” I have to keep reminding myself of that and move my body to do the things that need to be done. If I don’t I will bring on paralysis.

So I’m going to leave this posting and get started on making the dessert I have to bring to a family dinner tomorrow. If there’s anyone out there who can relate to this and who feels the same, I challenge you, too, to regain control by working on something. We can compare notes and encourage each other.

Today I will play my favorite Christmas music, work, and reward myself with brief moments of reflection – but only brief ones.

And I want to send my love to all of you who read this and can relate.