I think I’m learning what was at the bottom of my anger during the last years at my previous church. It turns out that much of the depression I experienced during all my Living Room days could very well have been anger turned inwards. I probably had far more depression during that time than was normal for me. I remember the anger well. It still comes upon me. (See link to an article about anger and depression below.)

Learning about this is exciting, but scary too because of what it might end up revealing about me. I long to learn more, to find out where my truth lies, though I know it may be costly. I’m finding out more than I ever expected and I’m seeing how I could have been wrong about a lot of things I had once believed about myself.

When I think back twenty or more years to how very angry I became about the injustice of stigma and the effects it has on people with mental health problems, I can see how it gradually became a problem. When I think of all I read as I went back through this blog and remember how I tried to reduce this stigma, I realize it was way over the top. I was obsessed.

But I believe the anger I felt about stigma came from a noble source. To look down on others because they have mental health issues, is wrong and sinful. A person who does that harbours the kind of pride Jesus warns us against. A true follower of Christ regards others as equals and treats them as such. Not to do so can cause a lot of pain and loss of self-esteem to those affected. Jesus himself became angry at those who treated others that way.

My anger was of immense proportions, coming out with every blogpost and article I wrote,  with every discussion I engaged in, with every thought. I can now see how this was affecting my mental health, eventually leaving  me as someone people no longer wanted to spend time with.

What a mess I was!

When I think of my friends who tried for years to support me with kindness and love, I can see why they couldn’t keep it up.

And yes, I can see how the very work I thought God had called me to, directly as well as indirectly, led to the years of suffering I was to undergo.

Yet here’s an example of the amazing way God sometimes works. During those times of suffering I came to know Jesus in a way I never had before. Now that I’ve recovered, I believe I’m probably a different person than I was, maybe even more useful to God than before. I pray this to be true.

 

An article about relationship between anger and depression: https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/terezia-farkas/anger-and-depression_b_5381640.html