(May 2, 2010)

Almost every day over the past while I wake up feeling awful. As the day progresses things usually improve.

This morning it happened again. I felt so depressed. But as I sipped my coffee and looked out over the yard, the patio, and my favourite chair, I thought to myself, “How can I possibly feel such depression? I have everything a person could want. I have “stuff,” I have a husband and friends who love me, I have God. I have work to do that I love – usually love (though at that moment I couldn’t appreciate it).

I couldn’t figure myself out. Felt ashamed of my negative feelings. And I journalled about it, asking God to please help me be thankful as I ought to be. Asking God to erase the feelings of depression. Asking God to help me feel the way I ought to feel in light of having such a life. I felt guilty for feeling so down.

When my husband got up, I told him about it. How I just couldn’t understand why I would be feeling this way. I was perplexed. He reminded me, “I think you must have an illness.” Ah, yes!! I have an illness. I actually needed him to remind me of it.

But I did count my blessings as I worked through those negative feelings. I gradually started looking forward to church. And I got through it all once more. By the time the worship started, I was actually feeling quite high. Amazing! Amazing how this illness works!! From low to high within a couple of hours.

What can I do with this? Can any good come out of all this? Yes, I think it can. I think, as a friend told me, it helps us who live with this bipolar disorder, see things more vividly. The great contrast between the highs and lows makes us experience sorrow and joy is a deeper way than the average person. Bible passage can speak louder to us. And I want to share what I learn from it all. How I want to share!