(November 18, 2008)

I woke up this morning in true depressed form, feeling awash with negative thoughts and bad feelings. Can’t help it, can you, when you’re in the midst of depression? And how you become turned inward, even self-centered, forgetting the good things – focusing instead on “poor me!”

But I have a friend who is going through great physical health problems right now. A couple of days ago, when I realized that, I saw how I needed to support her and help her. I had been looking for support from her for “poor me.” But I had failed to see her great needs, so focused was I on “poor me.”

Awful how depression can make you so self-centered. Though it’s the nature of depression and I can’t truly help it, it makes me feel ashamed too.

I’ve decided to support this friend by making some meals for her, helping her get some good food into her. Perhaps the love and care I show her will encourage her appetite, encourage her to become better nourished. I hope and pray so.

And, you know, the wonderful phenomenon of thinking about my friend’s needs is that I’m thinking less about my own. I’m feeling more positive about the day. The bad feelings leave me when I think of how I want to cook a nice meal for her today and bake some fudge brownies.

The depression is still with me, because I made this decision to help her a couple of days ago, but still wake up awash in bad feelings. Still have trouble tending to the big messes in my life and paying the bills. I’ve been on a roller coaster ride for over a month now and have decided to see my psychiatrist. Have an appointment for Thursday. Maybe I need a med change.