(December 11, 2006)

I almost hate to post this. Worried someone from life in my touchable world will read and consider me unreliable. Before anyone knows, I would really like a chance to pull out of this state of irritability and this being so close to tears all the time.

It hit three days ago and I just can’t shake it. Arguing with my husband, impatient with my mom. I know it’s emotional exhaustion, but no matter how much I rest, it stays with me. Now you know why I could never handle having a job. And this is probably why I have so much trouble at Christmas time. There’s just too much going on. Not enough time for my own stuff. Too many must do’s. Even when I try to relax, I’m haunted by all that needs to be done.

I know what you’re saying: What about that last post? The one about “Stuff”. My good attitude is not helping at all now. Problems seem to be inescapable.

My pastor has asked me to speak at the Christmas Eve candlelight service. I would just love this opportunity, but now? I want to see whether I improve, but he needs to be able to count on me. This is the part I hate SO much about this illness. It’s so difficult to commit to anything because you never know how you’re going to be – especially at Christmas.

I was so eager to do this Christmas Eve stuff, I spent most of the evening mapping out what I wanted to say. I was so eager – still am. But can I count on myself?

Would an ativan help me get through something like this? But isn’t that for anxiety? I’m not anxious. I’ll try and see my pdoc this week if I can get in. There must be SOME kind of pill to erase these feelings.