“When our pain is emotional our head fills up with it. It’s hard to make room for peace. So hard to  escape except, perhaps, to die.” (from my journal, July 28, 2015)

There are various reasons for people wanting to take their lives and I wonder if some of them are more difficult to resist than others. Over the last two or three years the temptation for me was very strong. It came mostly from hurtful memories that kept repeating themselves. The pain felt like it would never go away – like I had no choice. I felt I couldn’t survive.

It was similar to being in great physical pain that you can’t bear and desperately need relieved with morphine or some other drug. You want something that would be sure to end it.

All I could think of was the relief I needed and how I would get it. I searched for a way out.

The effects my actions would have on the people I loved did not even enter my mind. I don’t think it was because I was selfish. I was emotionally sick and simply couldn’t think beyond the pain. My mind was stuck there and wasn’t able to go elsewhere.

Many will be telling me I should have talked to God. But at times like this he was too distant for me to reach. Often the Crisis Line helped more than anything.