Living with borderline: part 3 – what’s it like?

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.”

Everyone feels a degree of pain when hurt through rejection or through others’ words or actions. For those living with BPD, such pain is considerably more intense. With this piece I want to talk about how the illness developed or worsened in someone as a result of being psychologically mistreated and left with traumatic memories. Often it was – in the words of one person who suffered similarly – “like a knife thrust into my heart and twisted.”

She was trusting – like a child – chattering away about everything in her mind and heart. Though the pain inflicted was only through words and actions, she felt much like a youngster would, beaten by a person she had trusted. All the while she wondered why it was happening. “What did I do wrong?”

…And yet, she kept up the eager chatter. Still trusting.

She wondered: “Is it my behaviour?” She begged for forgiveness – mercy – a return to kindness. But replies never came. And kindness did not return. Just anger.

Leaving was not an option until much later. It didn’t occur to her to leave. Besides, she was ill, emotionally unable to make such a change. This was her “home.” It was all she knew. The stress from the mistreatment changed the mild BPD she had in previous years to the full-blown illness, together with all that brought.

Her life changed. Most days bring struggles with constantly changing moods. She’s afraid to attend social functions, never sure of how she’ll be. Neither can she be left alone for long. What might happen with her thoughts? At times she gets impulsive. Her reputation suffers. Thoughts of suicide are never far away. Anger, too, is close to the surface, often upsetting the household. There are periods where she feels a disconnection from reality, getting confused, and disorganized. At times like that it’s hard to keep control of her day.

My experiences have been much like the above. I, like so many, lived for years with over-sensitivity. But it only became a real problem and diagnosed as BPD when traumatic rejection entered my life. Today I live the life described in the paragraph above this one.

In spite of all this, I do have hope. In the way God gives us trials to make us stronger, my experiences are making me stronger as well. With treatment, I believe I’m gradually recovering. I keep God close, especially as I write. He’s the best friend I have.

Although I live with an illness that brings shame, I believe that with God’s help I can make something good come out of the bad. In the past I’ve been able to do much writing and photography, using them to create devotional gift books. Yes, much good can come from pain.

Today, with my new knowledge and understanding, I feel prepared to serve God better than I could before. I pray that I will serve him well.

marja