(June 9, 2008)

I’ve been stable for so long I had almost forgotten I can still have mood swings just like other people with bipolar disorder. Funny how you start thinking you’re invincible. Today I’m realizing that I’m showing some signs of hypomania.

I’ve had such a hunger to read books lately – lots of books. And then I get all excited about what I’m learning and want to – no, I need to – discuss it with people. Such a yearning to philosophize! I’ve called my best friend, needing to talk about stuff. I’ve emailed a couple of friends with thoughts that are overflowing. Asked my pastor to recommend some courses and books to help me with the work I’m doing. I have this feeling like I need to get some really good training to better prepare myself for the things I want to do. And I’m 62!!! Wanting to start all over as a student again!

Crazy thing is that I’ve been thinking I need to limit my activities. My husband has been complaining that I spend far too much time on church stuff, and that includes Living Room.

What is happening with me now reminds me of the time I first got sick when I was nineteen. I was at university and also hungry to read and learn. I bought many different kinds of books I couldn’t afford. And I talked a blue streak to my friends until they couldn’t understand me anymore. My mind was traveling faster than my words could keep up with. I gradually became psychotic and, after far too long without help, ended up in a mental hospital, brought there by ambulance.

So you see, I need to take care of myself right now. Perhaps do a little less reading and lighter material, nothing that would encourage me to philosophize too much. Perhaps a novel. And I should do some much needed tidying around the house. Because my husband is away I could play my music loud and do some ironing. My ironing could become a cultural happening, with records that I haven’t heard for a while.

I’m fortunate that I have a good friend who understands my disorder quite well. She mothers me. She caught me tonight, planning yet another activity I could do. I respect this friend, know she is wise and cares for me, so I listen fairly well to her. I’m so grateful to have her.