My life has changed in many ways. Disorganized and all the problems that brings. Frequent and sudden depressions accompanied by a wish to die. Haunted by bad memories. Often confused. Praying for more peace.
I sometimes wonder. Is this old age, mental illness, or both? But I can see it’s more than these. It’s emotional damage as well, though I do today believe I’m healing.
I had been rejected, abandoned like a child by parents – parents who had once shown the depth of God’s love. I had felt secure. But childhood fears of being left came true.
I wondered why. Could not stop wondering why. What did I do wrong? Where has the one who loved me gone? What happened to the smiles? Why the love for others but not for me? Why the anger?
I did what Jesus taught. Despite the pain of recurring memories, I continued to love and forgave. But forgiveness was rejected. Wrongs not admitted and remorse never shown.
And now I’m wondering: Did the person who hurt me simply not understand what was happening? Maybe neither of us could help the way we behaved.
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