(March 3, 2007)

When everything is going well, as it usually does for me nowadays, it’s hard to believe that I could ever become depressed again. Yet, it can happen, and does happen. And here I am, depressed again.

Signs began appearing a couple weeks ago. I was easily moved to tears, sometimes a deep sadness coming from nowhere. Yesterday I talked to a friend. She noticed something before I did. I was very quiet, something I didn’t notice myself. Later on, sure enough, the old feelings I know so well but had forgotten are back. I don’t feel like doing much. I don’t feel like cooking dinner and I’m irritable.

But, as I’ve learned and am teaching others about going through this, I mustn’t ask “why” but “to what end”. This must be good for something. I know going through this is supposed to make me a stronger, more compassionate person in the end. But can I make use of this as I’m going through this too somehow? Must I wait till I come out the other end? I hate wasting time! I hate doing nothing! I hate waiting! I hate the feeling bad about myself that comes with this!

…and I think of Living Room coming up this Friday. What kind of devotional am I going to share? Can I bring something of what I’m going through into the presentation?…something useful…something I could not share unless I were in a depression?

What brings brightness into this dark place I’m in right now is the thought that it might be useful somehow: fodder. My head feels like it clicks into gear a bit.

I had been thinking of meditating on a couple of Psalms with the group. David wrote so many Psalms where he was in deep emotional pain, only to surface at the end as he thought of God’s presence and love. That’s exactly what makes the Psalms so powerful: the contrast between David’s ups and downs and the hope he found in staying close to God. Perhaps I should write some Psalms too.

I must say though, this isn’t really what you’d call suffering yet. I’ve only taken the initial big dip. Hope I’m not premature with this sob story. I speak mostly out of fear and knowledge of what has happened in the past. I must hope and pray I can pull out quick. If I try to make some use out of this – as I did in the writing of my books – will it be easier to deal with?