DON’T SET US APART

In February 2018, I had the following article published by Church for Vancouver. I mentioned how Sanctuary Mental Health ministry was helping churches show God’s love to individuals with mental health challenges through Living Room. Unfortunately, later that year, Living Room was removed from its mandate and only two or three small groups remain.  The Living Room Story is available online.

When Pastors are too Kind: Don’t Set Those with Mental Illness Apart

Accepting people with mental health issues has greatly improved in past years, especially in our churches. Organizations like Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries are doing much to help churches learn how they can show God’s love to such individuals.

They are learning how to establish and run peer-led support groups like Living Room and Family Room for those who struggle with mental illness and family members. The improvement in opportunities for church communities to understand and have compassion has been remarkable.

But to be overly eager to help can present a danger. As soon as we start considering a person with mental health issues as different from us – having needs requiring special treatment – we are setting them apart. Considering a person more ‘needy’ than we ourselves might be is condescending and takes away a person’s dignity.

We who live with mental health issues want to be considered equal to those who support us. We don’t only want to receive, but when we’re well we’d like an opportunity to give. We need respect in the same way everyone does.

Boundaries essential

Boundaries are important to everyone. A person with clear, healthy boundaries communicates to others what they will permit and what they won’t. This is particularly true for pastors who are relied on for spiritual care and support. They can easily be overwhelmed. In fact, the more kind-hearted a pastor is, the more important it is to have boundaries protecting him or her from people’s demands.

One mistake often made: When individuals struggling with mental ill health behave inappropriately, pastors might choose not to correct them. They don’t want to be hurtful. Or they might fear the reaction it could cause.

However, it would be so much kinder to point out the problem and avoid repercussions later. Drawing attention to poor behavior treats the person as capable of doing better; it would be condescending to expect that improvement isn’t possible.

When boundaries don’t exist, a pastor could get tremendously weighed down by a person’s heavy demands. It’s not uncommon for a pastor to start having problems with anger, resentment and stress overload. If this goes too far, he or she might even act out of character and inadvertently cause pain.

Treated in the same way

As someone with mental health issues, I don’t want to be—or believe I should be—considered less of a person. I want to be treated in the same way others are. Yes, I have a disorder and I struggle at times, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be respected. When I’m thought well of I will have the confidence to be a good member of the community. I will be able to support others in the way I’m supported.

Those with mental health issues want you to care about them in the same way you care about others. In return, we want to care about you and your concerns when you’re willing to share them. Perhaps one day, we can return the help you’ve given us with support of our own.

In 2017, I published a 14-post blog series on the topic of Maintaining Healthy Relationships with Our Supporters. (Click “next post” at the bottom right of each post to read the entire series.)

marja

Marja sees herself as a person like any other, and hopes that all who live with mental health issues will see themselves that way.