(April 23, 2007)

I’ve been trying to focus on doing rather than focusing on my what I feel, but find the two are so linked it’s almost impossible to separate the two.

Today I have a fairly long to-do list. Actually, it’s not really that long, but it feels long because I’m somewhat down. I need to whittle it down a bit if I’m going to encourage myself to feel better. And I need to build in some time for things I really enjoy. Spending time with people would also make me feel better.

I’d like to do something creative. Feel I need that right now. Yet my chores are getting in the way. That makes me feel a bit frustrated – trapped. I’d feel a lot better if I accomplished something creative.

I emailed a couple of friends yesterday, telling them about some of my feelings. That made me feel better. They are good friends. I know they love me. I am grateful for their love. Being grateful makes me feel better.

I’m constantly aware of my feelings as I work and play. Can’t escape it.

One of my friends says she focuses on wellness. I think I do too. We need to have a positive outlook. But wellness is also a state of mind for a person with a mental disorder. And when you look for wellness and don’t find it it’s discouraging.

Perhaps focusing on hope is the important thing. Hope that the feelings you experience will ultimately be good for something. Hope that they will help make a better person out of you. Hope that you can learn from your struggles and help others somehow.

I don’t know whether all this makes sense.

But I AM doing. And I AM feeling better. And I AM grateful.