(March 31, 2010)

As you know, I’ve been dealing much with the effects of my disorder, the shame of sometimes saying or doing things I would not do if I were more balanced. But then, I guess everyone at some time or other does things they’re not proud of. And yet…I feel I’m worse than those “everyones.” Or is this an oncoming depression talking? Or am I being overly self-centered, thinking of me and my own concerns instead of the concerns of others? I’m sure if I were thinking of the needs of others I would not be worrying so much.

And yet the shame has been hard to deal with lately. I’ve had a hard time fully realizing that God forgives. I’ve had a hard time remembering that Jesus died on the cross for sins like mine. He took them all upon Himself and suffered an unimaginable death. I should be grateful! I should accept His forgiveness. I should thank Jesus! Why is it so hard to do that?

A couple of days ago I watched The Passion of the Christ, a gory depiction of all Jesus must have gone through. And I thought to myself, He did not have to do that. He did that out of obedience to His Father and out of His great love for us. What wonderfully great love!!!

Please God, help me to realize how much you love me and all of us, to have given up your Son to such a death, for our sake. Help me to be thankful.