(March 3, 2010)

I’ve been going through a lot of ups and downs, mostly brought about through plans I had for Living Room that I just haven’t been able to bring about. Things standing in my way, though that’s probably a good thing too. Maybe the timing was not as God would have wanted. Yet I’ve felt a lot of frustration and that brought me down.

My pastor, my husband, and friends have mentioned to me that maybe my identity is too wound up in Living Room. It has become as though I AM Living Room. It’s hard to think of anything else. And yet isn’t that what dedication means? I’ve dedicated my life to Living Room and to work for a better world for people with mental illness. It’s what I live for. It’s the work God gave me to do.

And yet, says one good friend, the thing I should value most is my relationship with God. That’s what I should work on more than anything else. That should come first, before the work. I know she’s right.

Over this past week I’ve had to learn to submit to God more than I have. To not get so frustrated if things don’t go my way as quickly as I want them to. To “dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture,” as David said in Psalm 37. I’ve meditated much on that Psalm over the past while and have come to a more restful place within myself.

Trouble with me is that I’m not good at resting. Psalm 23 is not my favourite. I don’t like to be made to “lie down in green pastures.” And yet, as my good friend tried to convince me when I was fighting so hard, “Remember to gaze on God’s face.” Not easy to do when you like to work hard and there’s so much you see that needs to be done.

“Delight yourself in the Lord,” says Psalm 37, “and he will give you the desires of your heart.” I had forgotten how to delight in the Lord – so caught up in my own agenda. It’s still not easy. I’m still struggling. Am off on another tangent now. But I’m praying that God will be with me in this work. That God will be in this work – through and through. And that I will never forget to pray and ask his Holy Spirit to guide me, one step at a time. Me following, not leading.