OSTRACIZED

Maybe my worst emotional problems started around 2014 when frequent depression and other forms of mental health crises forced me to give up my Global Living Room ministry to the stronger Sanctuary Mental Health Ministry. I hoped that they would be able to help it grow into the big ministry I envisioned. My own church simply did not have the resources.

I wondered, “How did it feel for Jesus to have his ministry on earth end? Can I be sure, like Jesus was, that my ministry will carry on?” (Today, as I write this in 2026, I still hang onto the hope that it will.)

My mental health took a turn for the worse.

“If others could only be God’s hands for me as I go through this pain so that I can cry unashamedly. God knew my pain, but I wished for the compassion of friends as well. Yet I felt them, as well as others in the church, pulling away from me.”

I know now that it was difficult to accept me for those close to me. I leaned too heavily on them. I know now that it wasn’t all their fault.

Feeling the rejection and longing for the support and compassion I once had, I gradually broke. I had two car accidents in quick succession and gave up driving. Disorganization became a problem. My husband took over the cooking. By the end of 2014, he suspected dementia. I made plans to simplify my life.

If only people had realized that I could not help what was happening to me. I think I, and those who knew me, had forgotten the severity of my illness. We didn’t realize that the major work I was trying to do was far more than a person with my mental health condition could withstand.

They could not accept what was happening to me.

In April 2015, I officially resigned from my Living Room group.

In March I had written about how I had loved the group with all my heart. It had been a joy leading them in their search for Christ’s healing. The group was like family. Giving up such meaningful work left me feeling empty and worthless.

For a person who was never able to have a paying job, starting this support group was a big achievement. Only by trusting God and leaning on his strength was I able to manage. Though I frequently struggled, the group kept going for the nine years I led it.

Founding this group, as well as others, was the best thing I’d ever done with my life. Having to retire when my mental health failed filled me with grief that brought tears for years to come.

Soon after retiring, things went bad. Attitudes towards me changed. I was no longer the respected and loved person who had cared for hurting people.

Instead, I felt as though I was now thought of as a repulsive person who was getting in the way. It showed in their unkindness and unwillingness to include me or talk with me. Frowns and unfriendly words replaced the smiles I had at one time received.

Why did they treat me, a person who had made a big contribution, with such harshness? Where was the compassion?

By the end of that year of disrespectful treatment, I myself had forgotten much about who I was and what I had accomplished. Thanks to the encouragement of a friend, the memories of those good times all came back when I sat down and wrote about them with the help of journals, blog posts, and emails. The best part of my life was forgotten for many years but is now fully documented in my book, One Such as Me.

More to follow,

marja