Part of what I have not yet talked about was my misdiagnosis of borderline personality disorder, the result of a psychiatrist’s not listening carefully to my story – making assumptions on the basis of only two or three of the symptoms I displayed. This caused much of the stigma I experienced at the time. And yet, as the story below shows, good can even come out of something as damaging as this. God can make good come out of bad, if we trust him and let him guide us. Here’s the story:

MORNING BY MORNING, NEW MERCIES

For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 30:5

A couple of days ago something happened that caused me to relive the period of time when I lived with a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD)—the most stigmatizing of all mental health problems. Although it would be a few years before it was found out to be a misdiagnosis, I lived for a long period with the stigma.

Memories came flooding back about how I was treated. All of a sudden, I was seen as a “bad” person, especially in the eyes of people close to me. They blamed anything I did that they didn’t like on “my BPD,” as though I could no longer have the normal ups and downs or reactions that every other person has. The memories were painful and left me emotionally exhausted for quite a few hours.

This is just one form of stigma many live with.

A dear friend’s kind words encouraged me, leading to another memory—a positive one. I remembered a booklet I had put together two years earlier. I had almost forgotten it. Bringing it out, after not having looked at it for a long while, made me see how such a publication is needed to encourage those who need to be informed and those who need to be comforted by a church approach.

Yes, I will publish this.

The pain I had been feeling turned to joy—the joy of knowing I have some good work waiting for me to do—something that could help a lot of people.

Today’s Outcasts: Our Voices was a conglomerate of writings from various people that I was able to assemble, along with a few of my own. My friend, Peter, wrote the meditations scattered throughout the book.

The subtitle was Borderline Personality Disorder and Church Response. Although I had been found not to have the condition, I had learned enough and experienced enough that I felt equipped to put this book together. (This booklet is no longer in distribution, though something that I think is better is online at Borderline Personality Disorder and the Church. It describes how church congregants can stand by a person who’s suffering but misunderstood.)

God had turned my grief to gladness. And David’s words came home to me as they have so many times before: “weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” I have learned—as I’m sure many of you have—that after the greatest sorrow, the joy we experience can be far greater than if the sorrow had not preceded it.

When I felt well enough, I ventured out to a local mall for a cup of coffee with my husband. Such a relief it was to enjoy the world around me once more instead of focusing on the pain in my heart. So good to see the people—the life—in the outdoors. There was color and sunshine. I could breathe again.

God is good. Always.
marja