I SURRENDER ALL
MY STORY

My journaling, which I started in May 2006, consisted mostly of prayers. I wrote to God at all hours of the day, telling him of my passion, my hopes, and my dedication to serve.

During the summer and spring of 2006, while preparing to begin Living Room, I was greatly impacted by my reading of Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God., a book by Henry Blackaby. A line that encouraged me was “If you feel weak, limited, ordinary, you are the best material through which God can work!”

And I took to heart what Blackaby had to say about serving. I prayed:

“God, I want to be your servant. I know that I can do nothing on my own. I know that I cannot achieve the success you call me to achieve. I depend entirely on you to do your work through me. I know that you can do anything you choose to do. I give myself completely to you. Work through me any way you want to work. Show me where you are at work and include me in that work. I will not question your call. I will do any work you show me to do wherever that work is. Lord, accept the worship and dedication of your servant today.”

A few days after our first Living Room meeting on September 15th, I would write:

In my openness in talking about my mental health problems and the evils of stigma, I guess I’m in a very real way sacrificing my own life—giving it away for a cause. The cause is more important than saving my own reputation, though I don’t think I’m actually hurting it.

I feel good that I have that courage. God has given me that courage. I wouldn’t have it if he were not in my life. In fact, I think God is speaking through me. As I mature, I’m finding it easier to say the things he would want me to say. Most of what I say, and the way I share, does not feel like it comes from me at all.

The very next day I wrote:

For some reason I’m having little butterflies inside. Butterflies when I think of the big work I want to do—writing, speaking, giving personal support. And I know that the problem is that I’m thinking of me doing it instead of letting God do it through me. It’s amazing how that shift to thinking of myself doing the work can happen.

I must not think so much about myself. When I give myself over to God, I feel eager and confident—no butterflies. It’s not about me at all. It’s about God and his work.

I prayed:

“Thank you God for filling my heart with your love and for helping me share it with others. Thank you for helping me know what to say to people who are hurting. Lord, help me not to become overwhelmed. Help me to stay well and stable. Thank you for being there. Thank you for being my strength and my all.”

Each morning I have to ask God to fill me up with him. I need to let him do his work. His heart; my hands. With God surrounding me and in me I can do all that he wants me to do.

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. (Luke 12:48b)

Am I ever finding those words from Jesus to be true! More and more is being demanded from me. God has given me much: talents, passions, and good fortune. These are all tools I can use to make the world a better place. Lord, give me strength. Be a part of everything I do. Help me to pray—to keep you close, to trust in you.

On September 23rd I heard from Peter Andres who works with MCC Supportive Care Services (later renamed, Communitas). He told me he had written a piece for BC Christian News, starting it with a paragraph of things I said in my book, A Firm Place to Stand. Someone from the paper wants to talk to me about it.

“This is what’s so overwhelming, Lord. People are listening and valuing what I’m saying. Yet I feel so little—someone small who has been given a big job to do. But you are great, Lord, and you are inside me. I pray that I will remember always that it’s all you who is doing the work. I’m only your hands. Help me to rest in that knowledge—the knowledge that it’s not me alone who is being asked to do things or to be listened to. Thank you Lord, for allowing me to be your servant. Thank you for giving me so much to live for. Thank you for your love.”

I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. (Philippians 3:12)

marja