Reflection on October 2015 writing from Monday


Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

2 Corinthians 7:10


Looking back at Monday’s devotional where I suffered from a lot of mental anguish, feeling shame over my behavior, thinking it impossible that I could ever change, and “needing God’s love more than ever,” I received the following advice.

“A kind person assured me of the good news: God can set us on the road to transformation. He can help us change, no matter how difficult it may seem to be. If we receive Christ into our hearts we are forgiven and under His grace, “this place of highest privilege.”

The response was comforting at first, mostly because it felt good to be cared enough about for someone to try and help me. But only this week I realized that there was something very wrong with what I was  told.

This person told me that I should receive Christ into my heart. But, I thought, I didn’t have to receive Jesus into my heart and be forgiven. I had already done that many years before, and I was sure that Jesus was still there. I told people regularly about him in my ministry.

The truth was that I was sick and I needed to recover. In fact during that very month I spent over two weeks in hospital. My problem wasn’t spiritual. What I really needed was a reminder that God still loved me, no matter what. I needed compassion. However, I didn’t get either and was left feeling alone with my pain.

I was mentally sick, similar to how some people get physically sick. I suffered from emotional pain, in the way others suffer from physical pain.

What I needed, and still do at times, was a godly love that didn’t fault me for my distress. I needed my friend’s understanding that I was indeed sick and that I needed care.