(May 24, 2009)

I haven’t found the stability I had hoped for. Am once more on a downward spiral and it gets quite tiresome. Every time I find some hope, I fall down again. One step forward and two steps back.

And although I know my problem is medical, I also know I’m not in a good place spiritually.

The beginning of Living Room and the growth of it was God’s doing. All I had to do was to be God’s voice, hands and feet. I was just a little foot soldier, following along. And that’s what made it successful. The sense of failure I now have I can tell is simply because I’m looking at Living Room as “my” work and not “God’s” work. I feel I’m not wise enough or strong enough to carry it. If I were in the right place spiritually, I would not feel this way. I would rest in God. I would let Him do His thing and follow along – trusting.

I pray today that I will learn to trust God more. I pray that I would look to God for strength and not to myself.

On June 19th we’re starting a Bible study for Living Roomers called, “If you want to walk on water you’ve got to get out of the boat.” Peter got out of the boat to walk to Jesus. But when he took his eyes off Jesus and looked at the waves, he began to sink. He thought in terms of what “he” was capable of on his own. He looked to himself.

I’ve been taking my eyes off Jesus. Looking at my own lack of wisdom and strength, as though that’s what it’s about – as though that’s what I had to depend on. Yet that’s not what it’s about at all. It’s not about me and what I can do. It’s all about God and what God can do. I can do nothing without God.