Words from a very insecure person:

I’ve felt great pain at times when I sent emails to a good friend and didn’t hear back soon enough. Eventually a reply always came. Such a relief that was! I almost panicked, beginning to doubt whether she still cared about me. Such a comfort to know that those doubts were groundless. Why did I ever think I had lost a friend?

I’m reminded of feelings I had during childhood, wondering if my mother would ever come back after leaving me at preschool or at the hospital where I spent a lot of time. I became terrified when I saw her leave. And while receiving treatment in hospital I felt very much alone, without the love I craved. Visiting times for parents were limited.

I wished I could overcome such need to be in constant contact with the people who cared about me. It must be hard for them to always have me enter their busy lives with a phone call or email. I worried I might lose these precious friends.

I’ve come to see that this need to relentlessly connect with friends is all about insecurity. People with problems like mine are like children living in a world built for adults. Will we ever be strong enough not to rely on others so much?

Being insecure is about fear. 1 John, the letter believed to have been written by the apostle John,  has some words for all of us who might be living with such insecurities:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. (1 John 4:18-19)

I believe all of us live with fears in greater or lesser degrees, though we may not even be aware of them.

For some they may be caused by insecurity developed as a child. Many of us had parents who, for some reason, were not able to nurture us in a healthy way. They weren’t able to give the parental love young children need to become emotionally healthy adults. Some of us grow to adulthood with a hurting child still inside.

All of us need the perfect love this Scripture speaks about. Perfect love will help us overcome our insecurity. Perfect love will enable us to shed our fears—fears of not being loved, fears of rejection or abandonment.

We reach out, but no matter where we turn we can’t find a person who can give us the kind of love we hunger for. We try, but our pain renders us blind to the needs of others. If we make the mistake of expecting such love from earthly friends, we may very well end up let down—even rejected at some point. And that will hurt badly.

What does perfect love look like? Perfect love will fill up our emptiness. It’s a love we can trust, fully embrace, and feel at home in. Perfect love provides a place of safety—like a baby in a mother’s arms.

God, our heavenly Father is the One who is able to give us such perfect love. He’s the only One. It’s him  we must reach out to. With open arms God gathers us to himself, giving us what we’ve been longing for. He will bring healing to the hurt child we have inside.

And God is always available. He will never let us down.

How could you encourage your friend to be the whole person God intends her to be, released of fear and with the inner strength God wants her to have? Discussing the following with her might get her started.

  • Look around. Reach out to what the world has to offer.

Where would you like to reach to?

  • Do things that make you feel good about yourself.

What could that be?

  • Believe you are your own person, not needing to remain connected to others.

Are you overly connected to someone you shouldn’t be?

Our inner strength comes from God, more than from ourselves or anyone else. God is the one who can make us strong and whole—whole within his care. With him and his great love for us, there’s nothing to fear.


This has been Part  22 of the series In the Name of Jesus. Go to Part 23 – Excluded.