Overcoming our insecurity

I was just thinking, Lord. It would be so good to have a second chance at having a mother who would be all the things a mother could be for me. Warm and kind. Understanding. Giving. At times I sure long for that, though I have found friends in whom I see such love.

But  it’s time I grew up. I should play mother to others more often, as I did during the days I led the Living Room support group. You filled my heart with love to share with others, like a mother’s love. How good it was to be there for others on your behalf, Lord! Through this sharing you made me feel more secure – more a person in my own right.

But that’s not all I needed, Lord. I was still insecure, worried when friends didn’t call. At times like that I felt like I was dangling above an abyss with nothing to keep me safe. I thought there must be something wrong with the friendship. I came to believe I had lost a friend.

I’m coming to see how important it is to give my friends space. Not to call so often. Not to show mistrust in our relationship. I must have been found clingy at times. And who wants to be clingy? Here again, that makes me feel like I must be repugnant to those who don’t know me. The word “dirty” comes to mind again. Oh, Lord, how hard it is to know these things about myself!

Lord, please make me a whole person. Help me do things that strengthen me and give me a sense of control. I want to:

  • Take ownership of myself instead of relying on others.
  • Do things that make me feel good about myself.
  • Spend less time with my mind turned inward.
  • Look around. Reach out to what the world has to offer.
  • Make life happen, instead of just letting it happen. Take control.
  • Believe I am my own person, not needing to remain connected to others.
  • It’s time to find my inner strength, my ability to be free – happy within myself.

One big thing I’m missing here, Lord. I talk about inner strength. But where does that come from? I’ve found it comes from you, more than from ourselves or anyone else. You are the one who can make us strong and whole – whole within your care.

Although those I depend on are important to me, I know that you, Father God, are far greater and far more important. My supportive friends offer bodily warmth, but you give me warmth that fills my entire being. Your love fills me up with a warmth that helps me feel safe.

Through you I’m discovering the assurance that I am indeed loved. And, you know, I’ve learned that my friends’ love is even more evident when I allow them space. They need a place of their own.

Lord, here I’ve come all this way looking at how insecurity causes me to contact friends more than I should. But I can see something else is at work as well, something we should talk about. We’ll leave that till later.

First, Jesus, I’d like to learn more about boundaries. I’ve heard how important they are to caregivers, but what do they mean to those of us who live with mental health issues?