If you have been diagnosed with BPD, you may be wondering why my Monday morning stories have differed in so many ways from yours. This is because your life has differed from mine. Maybe very much so. All illnesses present themselves in unique ways, depending on our backgrounds.

To be honest, that has had me wondering for awhile about the validity of the various things I’ve said here. I was able to speak truthfully for myself but have found that I’m not as qualified to write about others dealing with this disorder. Is anyone? We should probably all be telling our own stories.

For example, I told my doctor recently – and he agreed – that my case is complex. Not only do I have BPD, but I also have the after-effects of recent trauma, leaving me with recurring memories (more often a symptom of (PTSD) post traumatic stress disorder). I have the frequent mood fluctuations of BPD, but they are usually triggered by memories. These moods come along every two or three days, causing the pain to start all over again.

Friends don’t always want to hear me talk about this, although I have badly needed to express it. So, what I’ve found most helpful is to write. The best person to address my writings to is God, which I do daily in my journal. I love writing to him. It’s satisfying and comforting. It helps me feel connected in a way I very much need. This is going to sound strange, but by connecting with my Lord above, I feel connected with the earth under my feet. I feel reality.

This morning I prayed:

Lord, yesterday, as I talked with a wise friend I realized that I need to stop writing so much about BPD. I’m getting tired of writing about illness and want to focus more on you. Yes, I wanted to reduce stigma, but haven’t I done so already?

I so much want to bring my thoughts back to you, Lord. I want to come closer than I have been over the past while. I’m tired of talking about illness. There’s so much good that we can learn from you about who we are and what we need. Positive things.

Each of us hurts in some way. Can you show us how to find healing through you? Please help us look upward and outward instead of remaining stuck within ourselves. Instead of thinking about out illness, help us bring you close.

I’m starting to feel more at peace already. Thank you Lord.

marja

 

NOTE: This will be the last LIVING WITH BORDERLINE issue. Next week you will receive only one email, a devotional. I’m looking forward to returning to God as the center of my heart and mind – the center of my writing. I hope you are too.