LIVING ROOM MEMORIESĀ  27

(November 15, 2006)

It appears my meds are changing – with me not happy and arguing with the doctor. He’s increasing both my mood stabilizer and anti-psychotic.

I don’t usually like talking about meds for three reasons: I don’t understand them, I’m not really interested (as long as they work, I’m happy), and I know they work differently for everyone. I would be worried that if I ‘m taking something that works, others would want to ask their doctors for the same thing.

But I’ll talk about it now, since it came up. My mood stabilizer is tegretol (or carbamazepine) and I take two anti-psychotics: fluanxol (flupenthixol) and loxapine. I know the fluanxol is a weird one that hardly anyone takes, but I like it because it helps me get up early and I’ve come to love the long quiet time I can have before the day gets started. Loxapine takes the edge off the fluanxol, which causes a bit of hyper-ness.

BUT now my doctor wants to increase the tegretol and loxapine. I increased the tegretol several days ago and have been feeling very tired. It’s difficult to tell the difference between this tiredness and depression. I don’t like this.

AND he wants to increase the loxapine from 10mg to 25mg. I start that today. I’m not happy. How will this affect my functioning? Will it mean less quiet time in the morning?

The REASON he’s doing this?

  1. My anger (all reasonable and something that’s been around for a long time. It’s what has been making me write – for years.)
  2. My frustration (isn’t it normal to feel that about things that are not right?)
  3. My impatience (when you see so much pain, isn’t that understandable?)
  4. My sense of being overwhelmed (normal when one is small and trying to do a big job)
  5. Brief periods of depression.
  6. Two car accidents within 6 weeks (my fault) and another close one.

I think he’s over-reacting. I know it’s because he cares, but I don’t think I need all this. And is the extra medication that makes me feel so tired going to help me drive better? Don’t think so.
How much of what I’ve been going through has simply been because I care about social justice? And wouldn’t anyone who cares about such things or who works on the kind of stuff I’ve been working on get passionate about it? I’m a passionate person, no matter where my mood is at.

Is my doctor increasing my meds simply because I’ve expressed passion?

But I respect the guy and will have to comply – at least give it a try. But I’m not happy.