Oh Lord! I need to write some happy things. Is there no happiness at all in BPD? I have forgotten. Don’t even know anymore. But there must be. I remember my times with bouquets – exploring the groupings of flowers with my camera. I remember not being able to stop, taking picture after picture. Even creating a photo book.

I remember writing “THE AWE AND WONDER OF GOD,” the devotional I’m sending out today. Yes, there must be joy – even in a life with BPD.

I want to experience that awe and wonder again, Lord. I want to find it in me to marvel at your work. To awaken from the dark – the days of living too deeply inside.  I’d like to break free from these times of confusion. I long to escape these days of hiding in a world of too much sleep – sleep that fills me with guilt because it robs me of life. I want to live, Lord!

This morning I’ll go shopping. Find a bouquet. Maybe some gerbera daisies? Big colourful blooms. I pray that my hands will be steady on the camera.

Oh Lord! Will today be the day for a return to gladness? Will I see the world as you made it once more? Will I touch that reality?

Sometime later:

…The photographs have been taken. Yes! Joy is possible. And I have learned that when the pain returns, I need to go back to the flowers and the pictures. I need to focus on God’s handiwork. He’s in it – waiting for me in every flower I see.

marja